First Steps

I think it’s safe to say that almost everyone has things that they want to do in life. Whether that is as simple as trying a new food or as life altering as picking up and moving to a whole new country. We all say we want to do these things and then when it comes time for us to look back on our lives how many of those things did we actually get to do?

The moment I really started reflecting on this was October of 2020 when I was watching Unus Annus come to a close. There was less than a month left and I had more than a month's worth of videos left to watch. I knew I wouldn’t be able to watch them all before they would all be deleted. Mark and Ethan were trying all kinds of interesting things and when I was watching the fire swallowing video I found myself saying, “I really want to do that,” but there was a voice in the back of my head saying, “But you never will.” Then the full impact of Unus Annus really hit me: we only have a set amount of time on Earth and we have to make the most of every moment. I shouldn’t be telling myself that I can’t do things. If there is something that I want to do, I should make every effort to try to do that thing.  

I made the decision that day that I didn’t want to look back on my life and regret all the things I didn’t do. When I die, I want to be able to die content with the knowledge that I made the most of my life that I could. This doesn’t mean that I accomplished everything that I ever wanted to do but more that I tried my best to do the things I could. I recognize that some things I want to do just aren’t feasible. Unfortunately, that is mostly due to the fact that it is just too expensive to be able to do some things but I want to be able to say I tried my best to accomplish everything I wanted to. When I die I want to be able to look at the person I became and be proud of the things I accomplished and everything I did in my life.  

There are so many factors that keep us from doing the things that we want to do. We always tell ourselves that we don’t have enough time or that we just wouldn’t be good at that thing we want to try so why even try. Looking back on it, I often find that it isn’t that we don’t have enough time, it is that we don’t want to make the time. I find myself making up excuses why I don’t do the things I am telling myself I want to do. One of the recurring themes that led me to realize this last year was that I kept saying that I wanted to go hiking and I wanted to get out more into nature. Obviously COVID threw a wrench in a lot of things, but there are plenty of things I wanted to do that would have still been possible. I am privileged enough to have a car and enough money to afford gas but I still found myself saying, “I really want to go hiking,” and just not going.  

At the end of 2020, I decided that 2021 would be my year. I decided that instead of just saying, “I want to do that thing,” I would just make an effort to actually do it. One of those things was to start a blog and a Youtube channel as a diary of sorts to keep me accountable. I wanted  a way of documenting and sharing my experience. Worst case scenario, I have something to look back on and reflect on. Best case scenario, I am able to reach people who are feeling the same as me and help them work through their feelings. As you can tell from the publish date, this didn’t exactly go as planned.  

Some of the things that happened to slow things down were unfortunately out of my control. However, that is mostly just an excuse I was using. I was so worried about actually starting that I was using every excuse I could not to actually start. I would say to myself that this thing or that wasn’t quite perfect and I can’t release it until it is just right. I also came to the realization that this was quickly becoming a project that was less about me having an outlet and a way to hold myself accountable and more about trying to make something that other people would like. I was trying to optimize for views instead of the goal that I had set out for myself. I do want this to be something that people enjoy and can look to, but I don’t want this to become something that I am doing for other people; once I stop doing it for me it isn’t genuine or helpful anymore.  

When I first had this idea, my wife was very supportive and was interested in doing it with me. She has been amazing and has helped me get everything ready--and since she’s an English teacher, will probably be proof reading these blog posts. I honestly don’t think I would have made it this far in life without her and I am so lucky to have someone so amazing and so supportive in my life. She is always the person I know I can go to whenever anything is bothering me. Yesterday we watched Lady Bird, and for some reason it struck a nerve in me. I still haven’t quite pinned down why, but I ended up very upset afterwards. I was talking to my wife and one of the things that came up was that I still hadn’t started anything I wanted to do with this project. She said what I think is going to be one of the most important parts of this experience and life in general. She said “Instead of saying ‘I have to do this’ start saying ‘I want to do this.’”  

Without even realizing it I had turned this project into a chore. I had begun looking at it as something that needed to get done. Just another thing on my to do list and it just made me not want to do it. Those words finally gave me the push I needed to just do it. From today forward, I am going to make time to do the things that I want to do. I am going to make this project something that I want to do again.  

I don’t know exactly what form the Youtube videos will take or even what future blog posts will look like.This one is probably already a meandering rant, but I appreciate myself for actually putting my feelings into words and I appreciate everyone taking the time to read this. I want to try to release a video and a blog post at least once a week. Unless by some miracle this actually takes off, I probably wouldn’t be able to dedicate the time to do more than one video a week but there might be additional blog posts throughout the week if I find myself really grabbed by an idea or I feel a post is necessary. Those posts might be a review of a new movie we watched or even just a review of a new recipe my wife and I try. There will also be supplementary information on the website such as ways to support, if you are interested, and links to information relevant to other projects I am working on.  

Finally, I encourage anyone who has made it this far to take a little bit of time to reflect on their life.  Do you find yourself saying you want to do a lot of things but never doing them? Do you feel like you are in a rut? Maybe you can try something similar. Hopefully, my posts can also help you work through it. If you are someone who has my phone number feel free to shoot me a text. If not send me an email at the address provided on the homepage provided on the home page of my website. I can’t promise I will get back to you if you are reading this in the future but, as long as my inbox isn’t crazy, I will keep that email public and try to get back to as many people as possible. We only get one life, let's try to make the most of it.