Spinning My Wheels

Have you ever started something with every intention of finishing it? You thought for sure that this would be the time you were able to do it. You thought that you were putting everything you had into it and you reach a point and look back and realize you have gotten nowhere. That is kind of what this last year has been for me. We are now just about half way through the year and I feel as though I have made no progress. 

This year was supposed to be the year that I just did things. I wanted to be trying new things and making the most of the time I have. We are now six months in and I feel like I am more behind than I was at the start of the year. It took me thirteen weeks to even start the blog and one less week to start the podcast. I still haven’t started the YouTube portion of the blog and at this point I don’t know if I ever will.

I just feel like I have hit a wall, I keep telling myself I am doing this for myself but there is still a part of me that wants it to actually be successful. I think this lack of success is partially what is fueling this feeling that I have made it nowhere this year. I found myself thinking, “Why even bother writing anything this week? This isn’t going anywhere.” But, as always, encouraging words from my wife are what made me want to sit down and keep at it. 

It is very easy in life to feel like you are behind the eight ball. There are so many responsibilities associated with just living life that it is easy to fall behind. I know in my case I get very discouraged when I start falling behind and that exacerbates the problem. I have less and less motivation to do anything which puts me even more behind. It is a cycle that I need to try to break. 

I think the idea behind the blog is something I need to apply to my life more generally. I need to just do what needs to be done. I can’t get in my own head about all the other stuff that needs to be done. I need to just pick something and do it. Eventually, I will be able to catch up and I won’t be behind anymore. Every journey starts with a single step, sometimes that step is just some mundane chore. 

As I am writing this I am realizing I need to change my mindset more and look at things a little more positively. I have made it twelve weeks on the podcast and eleven weeks on the blog. That is four months of consistently working at it and keeping up a routine. Instead of looking at it in terms of only having six listeners or two readers I should be happy that anyone is enjoying it. I said when I started it that if it helps even one person then it was worth it. I need to get back into the mentality. It isn’t being shared or getting much traction but that doesn’t mean it won’t and at the end of the day the people that enjoy it are still enjoying it. 

I think I can apply this to life in general more as well. I tend to look at everything that I have to do as the only things that matter. The fact of the matter is I have done a lot of things in life that have gotten me to this point. I shouldn’t be looking down on myself because of all the things I still have to do, I should be proud of myself for all of the things I was able to accomplish up until this point in life. 

I think in general society really puts a negative connotation on pride and being proud of yourself, who you are, and what you have become. It is seen as being egotistical and self centered. I think that might be why a lot of people struggle with a sense of positive self-image. I know for myself it feels weird to be proud of myself. Even just writing it out, I feel like I am being full of myself; honestly, I think I would rather be full of myself than be disappointed by who I am. 

I find I spend so much time considering what other people think about me but very little time thinking about what I think of myself. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what other people think about us, but often we let that dictate our lives. We live our lives to be the people those around us want us to be, instead of being the people we want to be. I think that is something I want to change about myself. I have realized I have an image I try to maintain, and often I find myself thinking, “Why the hell am I doing this? This isn’t who I am.” I am trying to maintain this facade so that people see me in a certain way. This keeps me from just being myself. 

Let me know what you think! I am honestly really curious if I am crazy here or if I am making some sort of sense. Share this with your friends and see what they have to say. Thank you to everyone who has supported me up to this point, I wouldn’t have been able to keep doing it without you.